The following is a collection of quips, quotes and humor harvested from the internet, emails, experience, etc. Sometimes we seem to take ourselves too seriously, and it might be healthy to remember some of these at those times. (The actual origins of most of these is unknown.)

Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Comments Heard in 1957

"I'll tell yu one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20." "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used car." "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" "If they raise the minimum wate to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." "Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we would be better off leaving the car in the garage!" "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you, know boys will be wearing their hair as long as girls." "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With the Wind', it seems like every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it." "Did you hear where some baseball player just signed a contract for $7500 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president." "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." "There is no sense in going on a vacation anymore. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a nice hotel." "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a haircut, they can forget it!" "No one can afford to be sick anymore. I've heard it costs $35 a day to stay in the hospital."

New Words for Your Alphabet

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.